The Police Beat

Well, I have to give a nod to my friend Tiona. For I don't know how long, she collected the Police Beat section from the school newspaper. She only kept the really good ones and I happened to be up on campus the other day for Colby's presentation. While in this particular Police Beat there were actually a couple of genuinely disconcerting items (one girls had had her car tires deflated and the valve wires cut), the following are again some of the great things that qualify as breaking news. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Daily Universe: The Voice of the BYU Community

Disorderly Conduct
April 11: BYU police received a call that four male students were using the Helaman Halls pool even though it was not open yet. When the police officer arrived he was able to locate the students because they were the only students walking home wet.

April 15: A resident of May Hall was caught lighting toilet paper on fire in the men's restroom. Police are questioning him. (About what? Can you imagine the line of questioning: Why were you lighting toilet paper on fire? What's the kid going to say?)

Theft
April 9: A female student called her own cell phone after she discovered that it was missing. A person she did not know picked up the phone and refused to return it to her. The thief is now sending her friends text messages and sending them on erroneous "missions" to recover the phone. Her phone has not yet been recovered.

April 10: A BYU bookstore employee was suspicious of a male shopper who tried to return two French books without an ID or a receipt. After being questioned, BYU police determined that the student's brother-in-law had bought the books for the student to take on his mission. The student did not want them and was trying to return them.

April 11: Someone stole 1,000 square feet of sod from west of Helaman Halls. Police have no suspects. (What are they going to do with all that sod? Mow it?)

Welfare Check (my personal favorite)
April 8: The father of a student called BYU police when he had not heard from his daughter for four days. BYU police called the student and told her to call her father. -Compiled by Jesse Gunther (good work)